Uncoupling

Separation and divorce are fraught with tension, sadness, and pain.

It makes sense.

It requires deep consideration to let go of the hopes and dreams of being a couple. Usually there have been so many expectations about how this marriage was going to play out.

Oh, how you pictured a different life with the other, and now you have to face “failure.”

But is it “failure?” I challenge this idea because there are so many reasons marriages do not work. Even the painful acts of deceit can be explored with a new understanding if we are open to it.

It takes courage to recalibrate the way you relate to one another. If there are kids involved, you will most likely have to manage each other for a long time to come, and it’s better to do so with respect in the mix.

I have watched couples come to the decision to let go and move on. I have watched as they grieve what was but accept what can be when the constant pain is over.

Even in the midst of the tension and confusion…

I have found that couples can still appreciate who they have been to each other – although it sometimes takes strength to see the gifts of what being together has provided.

“Gifts” you ask? Yes, I truly believe that in life we are in a constant state of duality. In all moments, we can explore the ups and the downs of anything.

It is also true: all that you have endured up to this moment has brought you here. You can steep yourself in the sadness or live in the strength (gift) that allows you to move forward with your life in a new manner. I’m suggesting that we can allow both realities to be there. Being able to share them with one another can offer some relief as you begin to consider a life apart.

Can you imagine allowing for the transformation of your marriage…?

… from one of romantic intimacy to one of friendship and appreciation for the other?

Your partner knows you better than many and might be a valuable support, but it takes a shift of the mind and heart. It is doable, though.

I have watched couples come to the decision to split but still hold an appreciation for a love that once was.

I wonder if love is like energy. Once created, it never stops. It may not continue in the same way, but the reality is that the love you once shared may always remain.

The work of reorienting…

As with many things in life, there are times that we need to reconsider and reorient to a new way of being in relationship.

In this process of working together, we aren’t trying to work our way back to being in relationship in the same way. At this point, it’s important to honor the efforts you have made to arrive at this decision to part.

My goal is to support that effort, not undo it.

In a safe and non-blaming manner, we will explore what grief there is that needs to be shared, as well as take the time to map out ideas for future engagement. We will better understand the blocks that may get in the way of creating a new relationship.

We will talk about how to express to kids and how to share future relationships.

So, what’s the ideal outcome of this challenging work?

The outcome is an appreciation for all that has been and for who you and your ex are now.

It’s recognizing the pain that was but allowing for a new narrative. Especially when kids are involved, it becomes a functional co-parenting unit that can set aside the differences and allow your kids to see that even though marriage does not always work out, love and respect for self and other can still exist.

I have seen firsthand what it looks like when a couple decides to work together to create this new connection. Holidays and birthdays will not be so awkward and tense. Maintaining cohesive and consistent parenting rules will support one another and provide safety and ease kids.

And lastly, by finding a new way of relating, you benefit by not having to hold all the anger. Holding anger will affect you and everyone connected to this situation, and it’s not pretty.

The carnage of a messy divorce is all too real.

Most of us have known so many marriages that have not worked out… ones that only left anger and pain in their wake.

That pain and the need to manage it then spreads to everyone in your life.

If you are in a constant state of anger, the likelihood that the kids will know this is high. They in turn may feel the need to take care of one or both of you. All too often kids blame themselves for the breakup. They tend to feel guilty for spending time at one person’s place over the other. Many times, kids will reject any new partners that enter their lives as they need to protect the other parent.

Then there is extended family who have perhaps also had an appreciation for your ex. If there is still so much hurt, they might feel torn between supporting you and still wanting to connect with your ex. They might struggle in knowing how to talk about this, for they don’t want to stir up more anger and pain.

And what about all your friends? If you are hating each other, your friends will wonder how to proceed. You may be angry with them as well for taking sides or not understanding your pain.

Prolonged pain is a choice. I’m challenging you to redefine who you are to each other and how you want to be with each other.

Allowing yourself to be as mindful and considerate at the end as you were in the beginning is an honorable endeavor.

Let’s explore positive outcomes… together.

For the sake of yourselves, your kids (if you have them), and your community, you can uncouple in a humane and loving manner if you are open to the possibility.

If you’re “done” trying to make the marriage work and you’re open to a new way moving forward, give me a call today: (802) 349-8591.

Let’s find a new balance and appreciation for who you are to each other for the future.